Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
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