Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
