"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
Where are I am going home with Ryan
I don't know who this or Ryan is but it is probably too late to talk you out of it
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
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