My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
One day this summer I just wanna get blown under the hot sun all day.
Deal. Roof-top 69 on Saturday, July 20th. I've got it in my calendar.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
Randomize
