My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
It's no shave November. This is our time.
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
