I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
Randomize
