Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
You know, be my cock's hype man.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
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