i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
Randomize
