i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
youre always welcome to strip dance on tables with me Mag. what are friends for.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
I'm too high and old for this...
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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