explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
