sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
We don't watch enough power rangers
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
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