Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
Hopefully the semester will be over before she has a breakout. Then I can just avoid the situation entirely
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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