No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
We saw some woman wearing leather pants. It was weird. We have decided to follow her on her travels to see where people go in leather pants in Michigan.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
Lol, perhaps. But the drinks are so cheap, the music is better, and the bartenders and bouncers all know my name. I can't abandon it, even if it is a gay bar, its still my Nirvana.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
