If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
Bisexual people are plain selfish.
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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