Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
According to last night if you on the sidewalk at 12 a|m\nYour a WHORE !
So many bounce houses so little time
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
