I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
Damn victory sex feels great
Randomize
