we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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