look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
How external is "for external use only"?
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
