In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
Randomize
