there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Randomize
