so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
People with herpes should wear stickers.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Randomize
