I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
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