Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
Also lets pinky promise right now that we will NOT play "Pony" outside of each other's rooms if we have a hook up over
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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