so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
