Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
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