i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
Randomize
