can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
Randomize
