This girl is more easily done than said...
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
