I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
I feel like a drive thru vagina
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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