we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
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