Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
i want to swaddle you in tequila
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
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