I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Randomize
