Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
Randomize
