My room smells like vodka and shame
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
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