This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
We just had sex on an abandoned logging road while wearing snow shoes. God bless Montana boys.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
Randomize
