***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
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