If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
Randomize
