It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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