For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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