If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
so...dinner was kid's cuisine and a bottle of wine. i think they go well together.
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
i used baking grease as lip gloss
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Randomize
