Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
Randomize
