Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
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