I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
Randomize
