a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
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