ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
just smoked a bowl with my history teacher. i love community college
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
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