I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
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