im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Woo Hoo! Just saw Asian kids with rocker mullets. Tried to get a picture on my phone, but you know how those ninjas are.
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Randomize
