I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
