WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
Randomize
