if you come down to my room ill tell you a secret
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
